A Thousand Silhouettes
by Her Name Is Erika
Summary: The shadows continued to dance on her walls. / Or, in which Victoria attempted to figure it out in the aftermath of Ben's secret. BillyVictoria, BenVictoria.


**A Thousand Silhouettes**  
**Show:** Young and the Restless  
**Central character: **Victoria Newman**  
****Summary:** The shadows continued to dance on her walls. / Or, in which Victoria attempted to figure it out in the aftermath of Ben's secret. BillyVictoria, BenVictoria.  
**Notes:** Because Victoria is in the middle of this storm brewing between Ben and Billy, and I am just trying to get it on paper, and her conflicted feelings. You must listen to the song to really get the full effect. Humor me, yeah?  
**Inspiration:** "Silhouettes" – Of Mice & Men

* * *

_A thousand silhouettes dancing on my chest_

_No matter where I sleep, you are haunting me_

_/_

At night, there was dancing at Victoria's house – the silent, non-musical type of dancing.

Shadows danced on her bedroom walls even though she knew it was just the summer breeze weaving itself through the tree branches as droplets of summer rain beat against her house. At the same time, the baby danced around in her womb while she herself danced the thin line between being asleep and awake. The only one in the house who managed to successfully be asleep and be blissful about it was Johnny and Victoria envied him for that – silly as it was. Victoria wished she could be blissful and she had been for a little while. She shifted herself against the pillow against her back as she made herself as upright possible and placed her hand on her baby bump. The baby rolled and moved around, continuing its nocturnal dance performance and it made her chuckle lightly. It was certain, Victoria deduced rubbing small circles on her belly, that this child was a night owl. She was not the nocturnal type so the baby was definitely their father's child even though that was a question mark of her own choosing.

Victoria hummed a lullaby in time to her rubbing to soothe her tiny dancer of a baby. Although she was not even sure the baby was a tiny dancer. The baby's gender was in question too, but that did not matter to her. Victoria could deliver her third son or her first – second, after Eve all those years ago – daughter. It did not matter because above all, it was a miracle. All she wanted was for the baby to be born healthy.

"I know. You're restless. I'm sorry, you're picking up on that, little one," she spoke to her belly, because Victoria had to speak to someone. Her child was the closest thing to another person and it was never too late to bond with her baby. "I'm also sorry that we don't know who your daddy is. It just has to be that way until you make your grand entrance, okay? But I will protect you and you will have a good life. I promise you."

Victoria rested her head against the headboard of her bed and tried to banish the images of Billy and Ben in her head, while praying for the Sandman to grant her sleep. There was Billy who damaged her, them and what they meant to each other, but called her beautiful again and pressed his lips against her knuckles lightly she still felt the ghost of them there. Then Victoria grew disgusted because although it was not her business and she was pushing through with this divorce. Her resolve would not break. Billy probably called Chelsea beautiful and kissed her with that same mouth. So, he was just lying again. Therefore, Victoria trusted in her judgment to place emotional distance her and Billy, even though Johnny made physical distance impossible. She would never keep him away from his son and this child if it was his child. However, Victoria was tired. She was exhausted by him, exhausted of him and for her sanity would not allow this man she stupidly still loved to get close to her heart.

Then there was Ben. There was a sort of lightness and something freeing about being with him. His kindness and attentiveness was refreshing and honestly, intoxicating on some level. Victoria had spent months in between being externally quiet and internally screaming. It felt as though, she was breaking through the smooth surface after being underwater. She was able to breathe and it felt good to smile. They had bonded over disintegrating marriages, literature, food, being able to tease each other, a secret love for Game of Thrones because Billy never got it when Ben instantly did, and they knew what it meant to have a child away from them – a little piece of the heart away from home. Victoria often wondered if she was just using Ben to soothe herself from the pain Billy caused her. She often wondered if it truly was a rebound situation. But when she came back she came back from DC, Victoria was surprised at how much she missed Ben and immediately welcomed him back with a kiss when he showed up at her house with a bouquet of yellow sunflowers. But he lied too. He killed his own father and suddenly, it made sense why Jenna took their child away to the other side of the world. Suddenly, her child had a very high chance of being the niece or nephew of a woman she hated and yeah, Ben lied to her face and it all shattered. Whatever happiness shattered around her for the second time in the same place and Victoria felt the need to run and get away, so she did. Victoria ran away from Billy, from Ben and eventually, ran away from the need to know who her child's father was.

Victoria eased herself out of bed. It was bigger than usual and the silence was more pronounced in the dead of night. She walked over to her window. She breathed deeply and lightly rubbed her lower back to soothe a light throbbing that was typical but all the same, uncomfortable. The baby's kicking slowed down and Victoria liked to think that it, too, was falling asleep even though she could not. She remembered standing right here, and making love to Billy with anger coursing through her and an old sense of need and desperation to just be close to him, despite everything.

The rain droplets slid down her window pane separately before melding together and sliding off the windows. Sleep wasn't going to come any time soon, so Victoria elected to go check on her son. She loved Johnny more than anything and she was guaranteed to smile when she cuddled with him, or just watched him sleep peacefully. He was two and already understood that he was going to be a big brother. A smile touched her lips at the visual of Johnny being bossy yet protective over this child, his new sibling. Like her and Nick as kids, close confidantes as adults.

Victoria padded out of her room, leaving one of the single sunflowers on her vanity and the framed photo of her wedding on her night table.

The shadows continued to dance on her walls.

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**A/N:** Feedback would be lovely.

Thank you XO.


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